A personal Journey from Bud to Blossoming

My travelling boots

‘I really hope you can make peace with whatever your body decides it is going to deliver. It may not be a baby, but it will deliver something - without a doubt. Your pull is very strong for that and don't underestimate the power of your thoughts- it will come up in your life in some way that will probably surprise you and fulfil you regardless of the circumstance. Being open to that, I find, usually determines how much we benefit from the unexpected’ Leila Fanner

By Leila Fanner

Leila and I met online early this year when we were both taking part in a course called my ExtRAWdinary diet run by the Raw Food expert Karen Knowler. What first drew me to Leila was the beautiful image she had put up as her profile picture on our forum and I discovered she was a talented artist. From there a commission followed and a blossoming new pen pal friendship. As she lives in South Africa we have never met but have shared much of ourselves and our lives over the last year. She arrived in my life at the perfect time. I am a great believer in the power we have to manifest the perfect people into our lives to assist us further on our journey. Her wise words and support have meant a great deal to me and continue so to do. Also her creativity and her wonderful blog http://www.issimyafrika.com/blogs/leila were also hugely inspiring to me and awoke a personal longing to create something for myself.

As is often the case it is often a deeply personal challenge in life that awakens you to your life purpose, some describe it as an initiation. For me most recently it was infertility. There are many who would question why, if the desire to be a mother was so strong, I hadn’t try to make it happen before my forties.... yes I accept they may have a point! However we all have own personal challenges to overcome and our own personal life theme. My own big challenge, I believe, has been about the search for real connection and a sense of being truly authentic. This has instructed much of my life until today.

Me and my Daddy

My journey began with the ultimate disconnection of adoption and then years of searching for who I was, where I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to be doing whilst I was here! This personal quest took in a spiritual searching, years of travel, a variety of jobs and a change in career from acting to holistic therapy, different long-term relationships and a personal journey to find my birth mother, followed by the anguish of discovering she had sadly passed away three years before. Yes it has at times been a bit of an‘emotional rollercoaster’, as I believe the saying goes (!), with some deep profound lows and also some extraordinary blissful highs. Eventful and exciting at times and then at times mind numbingly frustrating and boring ...but always an adventure! However until recent years and despite always wanting that mother/child connection the situation for settling into motherhood wasn’t there and maybe if I am honest wasn’t what I was really ready for.

 I knew that time was against me to fall pregnant but various tests showed it was still a possibility and because I always had an interest in my health and well being I was in a reasonably good state of health. However it was upon the discovery of a book called the 'Fertility Diet' by Sarah Dobbyn that my awakening really began. Suddenly I was a woman possessed and the internet opened up an amazing world I hadn't been aware was blooming out there.

Leslie Kenton aged 68

 In my late teens I was obsessed and in awe of a lady called Leslie Kenton. She was one of the leading and most forward thinking writers in her time on the subject of Ultrahealth and Raw food and more latterly spirituality and creativity.Her most famous book was called “Raw Energy’. She was my absolute inspiration and still is. Her career still continues, despite being in her late sixties and she has really walked her talk. I even had her sign her book such was my devotion! I will never know where that obsession came from but I dreamt of fasting retreats in Italy, living up mountains meditating and community living in Findhorn! The universe was nudging me even then! Now here I was twenty years plus later discovering an international community of people who thought like me and a world of exciting possibilities. There were events, inspiring websites, amazing speakers and experts, raw food communities, scientists and leading nutritionists. It was like a sweetie shop for me…..all be it a raw chocolate one! New businesses were being born based on who people really were, rather than fitting into someone else's mould. A world of creative, spiritual entrepreneurs and people like me wanting to make a difference in their own unique way in the world.

Sadly and rather devastatingly the door on my fertility finally completely closed this year after various tests. Extremely healthy yes but sadly the nest were completely empty. It knocked me off balance for a while, no longer was my dream of knowing that beautiful mother baby birth connection to be realised. Also to add to my woes I was menopausal too....when did that happen....I was still too young wasn't I....what did that mean for my sense of femininity? It took a while to come terms with the news and it wasn't easy.Then as I moved into acceptance and began looking forward again there came a huge release of creative energy. I suddenly realised I had sailed through my perimenopause with barely a symptom, I felt amazing and a world of possibility had opened out to me from everything I had discovered. Suddenly the idea behind 'Blossoming' was finally fully birthed and in a way so was I creatively, spiritually and authentically! 

Just to end with another new beginning and new journey, my dream to be a mother hasn't died and I hope to hold my beautiful adopted child in my arms one day soon. As an adopted person myself, adopted by a mother who herself was adopted, adoption actually seems the perfect choice.... and maybe it was meant to be all along.